


Peace Amongst Chaos

by falloutboyd



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/F, Kinda, Mental Health Issues, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 20:50:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6872839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboyd/pseuds/falloutboyd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You watch her sleep, and you feel home.<br/>(One shot, set some time after the wall fell.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peace Amongst Chaos

Sometimes when you look at her, you think, what could I have possibly done to deserve this?  
You can’t help it. Of course, you reprimand yourself afterwards most of the time- the end of the world isn’t an ideal time for your self esteem issues to butt their ugly heads. It’s not that simple though, and you know that better than you ever thought you could.

You watch her sleep, and you feel home. Watching her mumble incoherently, with the occasional smile coming to her face when you hear something akin to your name, or at least you hope it is. Self doubt crawls upon you even in the most basic, peaceful moments and you recognise it for what it is, but let it feed your paranoia anyway.

You stop that train of thought. You don’t want your over-anxious mind to ruin something so beautiful, even as you acknowledge you have very little control over it.

So instead you focus on her, her peaceful yet somehow playful expression even in sleep, her slightly greasy hair; she had complained earlier that day about needing to wash it, but had not moved from your arms. You both want to make the most of your time together, because God knows everyone’s days are numbered.

After the wall fell, after the wolf took you...things were tense, for a while. Tara was overcome with worry, barely leaving your side when possible. It scared you, just as much as it warmed your heart. This amazing woman cared for you...and your anxiety ridden brain had to second guess and question every moment.

You know those thoughts of self doubt and insecurity for what they are, you are a doctor after all, so you don’t allow yourself to project your issues onto her. Instead you push those thoughts away and turn to the next urgent thing that needs taking care of, because there’s _always_ something, and pushing away your issues has been the only method of survival you’ve found works for you. Before the walkers, even before you finished your teen years, it was the only working coping method you could find.

So you push the issues away, but you know they’re still there and they’re always going to be there and honestly, you’re okay with that.

You just hate when it makes you hesitate sometimes when you’re with Tara.  
She’s the most amazing person you’ve ever met, and she’s endlessly understanding and supportive and sometimes you hate it, you can’t understand how someone can possibly be so supportive, and it feeds your paranoia and you know exactly what is happening in your brain and why, but that doesn’t stop the reactions and emotions that you know are irrational from surfacing.

You’re good at suppression, so you try not to show her these things. You know she would be understanding, because that’s who she is, but sometimes your thought process is just a mess of random connections and reactions that only make sense to you and you know you don’t want _understanding_ ; you want disapproval or anger because you hate this part of yourself, the part that can’t explain why rather than getting from part a to part b you’ve gone from part a to part z and back again, because your thought process can be wild and distressing and downright ridiculous, and you hate it just as much as you occasionally appreciate it and its usefulness in tricky situations.

“Hey, where’s your head at?” Tara whispers, breaking you out of your trance. Her hair is adorably messy, eyes half lidded from sleep as she gazes at you with such _love_ , such _reverence_ that your words get caught in your throat.

That look, directed at you, so genuine and all-encompassing, breaks through your thoughts, your demons, your insecurities, everything. This is all it takes, and this is all you need, and it may be the end of the world as you know it but if you can _have_ her and _love_ her and just have _this_ moment, right now, then it’s all worth it.

In lieu of an answer, you move towards her and kiss her softly, knowing words can never express the maze of thoughts and feelings in your head, or the depth of her effect on that maze. When the kiss breaks, she meets your eyes and you can tell that she _knows_. You don’t have to say anything, because she knows you to your core, and she loves and accepts you, your flaws and anxieties and half assed coping mechanisms, _everything_.

As you both lay back down, hands entwined and gazing into each other’s eyes, you think- no matter how long you’ve got left, no matter what happens tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, if you get just one moment more of this, you are content, you are whole. The thought is echoed in her eyes as she smiles lovingly at you.  
You have never known true peace before this moment, and as your spiralling thoughts fade away until it’s just _you_ and _her_ and _love_ , you finally fall into a silent, content, _beautiful_ sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I related to Denise a lot, so I may have projected some of my own issues onto her here. But, boom, new headcanons.  
> I loved Denise and Tara so much, I think I wrote most of this as therapy after THAT episode. Please let me know what you think. Also, this is my first time writing in second person, it's kind of a weird choice but I found it worked for me.


End file.
